People love power rankings. I love power rankings. You love power rankings. Every Monday there are multitudes of new power rankings published, and if you’re too impatient for that, John Hollinger’s power rankings automatically update daily.
Power rankings are so prevalent because a. they’re so easy to write, and b. we live in a culture that loves to argue about meaningless shit, like whether the Bobcats should be 27th in the power rankings, not 28th. It’s not enough to say that the Bobcats suck: we want to examine shades of suck to perfectly encapsulate how much they suck. For a writer, you write thirty two sentence blurbs, hit publish and enjoy the rest of your day.
Of course we wanted to get on that pageview train, but traditional power rankings seemed so boring, so played out. We had also just bought a Diss collective League Pass, and were bowled over by the possibilities each night. Was Milwaukee v Utah or Detroit v Denver a more compelling match-up? On one of those nights with 14 games, how could you possibly decide what to watch?
Enter No Country For Boring Teams, the League Pass power rankings feature we ran pretty much biweekly throughout the season. The basic premise was that the most entertaining teams to watch aren’t necessarily the team’s with the best record. Whether because of a specific player, a home arena, a style of play or something else, some teams can be radically fun while never sniffing the playoffs. Conversely, some versions of grind it out basketball are equally successful at putting the team in the playoffs, and putting me to sleep.
In the end, the power rankings weren’t quite as successful—where success is measured as rankings radically different than power rankings based on record—as we were hoping. A full 70% of a team’s League Pass Power Ranking can simply be explained by their record. Perhaps it wasn’t that the rankings were a failure so much as they showed that we weren’t the enlightened basketball savants we thought we were: we like teams that win just as much as Joe Schmoe does. Either way, without further adieu, I present the First Annual (are we doing this next year?) No Season For Boring Teams Awards.
The John Stockton Award for Consistent Excellence: Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers opened the season with the number 5 ranking, briefly occupied the top spot before settling into second half of the top 10. Their lowest ranking ever was 9, while they were going through that Chris Paul and injury-induced hiccup.
The Michael Ruffin “You Have to Try to Be This Bad” Award for Consistent Failure: Phoenix Suns
Man did we have these Suns pegged right from the start, opening the season with the number 28 ranking and never rising above 30. The only thing saving them from eight straight number 30 rankings was an inexplicably terrible week for the Milwaukee Bucks, and the Philaldelphia 76ers slow crawl to the end of the season.
The Forrest Gump “You Never Know What You’re Going to Get” Award for Inconsistency: Washington Wizards
This has everything to do with John Wall. For the first half of the season, the Wizards couldn’t get above 26. As somebody who attended four of those games in person, I can assure you that 26 was being incredibly generous. Whether it was AJ Price, Bradley Beal, Shaun Livingston, Garrett Temple or a 14 year old plucked from the crowd, when you don’t have a point guard it is almost impossible to be entertaining. Once Wall came back however, the Wizards never slipped below 5, and ended the season with the number 1 ranking.
The Marko Jaric Award for Outkicking Your Coverage: Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers began the year a bad team, became a mediocre team and snuck into the playoffs. Yawn. Given an underwhelming season, however, they still frequently ranked in our top ten, and never slipped below 14. We watched for the drama, Mike D’Antoni’s arms crossed facial expressions and to await MWP snapping, but mostly to watch Kobe turn back the clock and pull out multitude throwback, vintage Kobe performances.
The George-Michael Bluth “Her?” Award: Phoenix Suns Atlanta Hawks
This award really belongs to the Phoenix Suns, but I’m disqualifying them. They suck. Suck suck suck.
Instead, it goes to the Atlanta Hawks. Besides the whole starting terrible and firing their coach thing, the Hawks aren’t all that different from the Lakers. They’re a slightly better than mediocre team that is currently getting blown out in the first round of the playoffs. Unlike the Lakers however, there is nothing to watch for unless you revel in screaming “NO! NO! DON’T TAKE THAT SHOT JOSH” as Josh Smith unleashes another 35% mid-range jumper. There was just nothing redeeming about watching the Atlanta Hawks play this year.
.png)
And finally, the best explanation from each week of the power rankings.
1st Edition
17. San Antonio Spurs – I gots a theory: Anyone pretending that the Spurs are appointment television in 2012-13 is trying to convince the world of their basketball literacy. San Antonio’s the NBA equivalent of Everlyn Waugh; nobody’s impressed you’re jocking them, so stop with the fakery and have some honest fun. —KS
2nd Edition
23. Sacramento Kings – This team is like a box of chocolates…from Walgreen’s. From night to night you don’t know if you’re getting a big (if inefficient) game from Cousins, ‘Reke, or Thornton. There’s a lot of junk candy here, and while I digs, for the most part, it’d be a lot more interesting if they committed to the Isaiah Thomas era or gave the rookie Thomas Robinson more burn. — KS
3rd Edition
18. Atlanta Hawks – Why has Josh Smith been extra-regular so far? I thought he was serious about that money. If he’s not, I don’t know what he’s serious about. Maybe nothing. Which would be appropriate; life, after all, is folly. — KS
4th Edition
12. Brooklyn Nets – You have about 10 days left to watch your favorite point guard shit on Deron Williams before his “elite” card gets stripped and the feat means nothing. You’ve been warned. Get it while the getting’s good. — KS
5th Edition
14. Milwaukee Bucks – This is a genuinely fun team to watch that gets overlooked in large part because Skiles’ brand as a boring coach is so strong in these streets. Don’t miss out because you’re stuck in 2006. Larry Sanders, in particular, is worth your time if you miss the buck-wild Serge Ibaka who would try to block every shot into the stands. — KS
6th Edition
28. Charlotte Bobcats – Does Mike Dunlap play the role of a grim-faced SS man in WWII movies in his spare time during the offseason? If he doesn’t he should. I see him. He’s watching the same team that I am, and I can see his face on the computer screen. He’s got that SS movie man chin. It’s perfectly angled, just the right amount of grim. — JG
7th Edition
1. Miami Heat – Sherman Alexie was quoted in 2008 as saying: ”A thousand years from now people will be talking about LeBron James as they talk about Hercules now.” And you know what? He’s probably right. Completely on point. — JG
8th Edition
11. Toronto Raptors – Long have you coveted your neighbor’s credenza, a wonderful piece of mahogany that adorns their foyer but is used only for key storage. You want that credenza bad; you’ll use it right, put some flowers and pictures on it. After a few years, you talk that neighbor into selling you the credenza. You bring it home, and hell yeah, it looks great! Your foyer is exciting as hell now! Only problem: rest of your house is basically empty, except for a few pillows and a vase. No couch, no bed, no tables or chairs. Yeah. You can’t furnish a house with just a credenza. — JG
9th Edition
17. Atlanta Hawks – In the same way a dead celebrity eventually rises to the top of their pool after a poorly timed overdose, so too do the Hawks rise to the top 20 of our League Pass Power Rankings. Don’t confuse this as us enjoying them. It’s just the bottom five is really just that bad. — JG
10th Edition
9. Milwaukee Bucks – Hell yeah I still love the Bucks. I’ve creepily cut the faces off of all my favorite We Believe players and sewn them onto their modern Bucks counterparts. Jennings now wears Baron’s mug, and Ersan Ilyasova is now sporting Al Harrington’s mug. JJ Redick is a far less trill Captain Jack. And Monta? Well, he’s still just Monta. — JG
11th Edition
16. Brooklyn Nets – If you ordered a generic playoff team from Amazon.com, you’d get the Brooklyn Nets. — JG
Thanks for reading, folks.